John Clarke and Brian Dawe, two Australian comedians famous for their “7:30 Report” TV show, came up with a brilliantly funny send up of an interview with a government official addressing an oil tanker sinking off the coast of Australia.
Enjoy…
Humor
Babies Violate Labor Laws
-By Warner Todd Huston
Kim Grandy, the President of the National Organization for Women, has announced a new initiative to sue all babies born in the U.S. for violating labor laws by forcing mother’s into what Grandy calls “mommy slavery.”
NOW’s new program Freedom From Kids™ launched early this week and lays out a plan for the courts to take all children from beleaguered mothers at birth so that women can find their true potential in working for the government or university Wymin’s programs.
“For decades,” Grandy said, “Wymin have been chained to these ungrateful brats and have been held back from achieving their true potential. We believe that the this program will free wymin from the drudgery and hateful business of raising kids.”
Not to be outdone, the ACLU filed papers in federal court to require Federal Accredited Kid’s Entertainment (FAKE) services to supply every baby with the latest video games, the coolest clothes and only straight “A” grades in government schools in order to assure a comfortable lifestyle and raise levels of self esteem.
NOW’s plan to sue all babies will establish a fund by placing a lien against all future earnings of newborns to pay would-be un-mothers for the trouble of having birthed the burdensome children in the first place. Much of this fund will go to Planned Parenthood in order to spare other un-mothers the whole mess through abortion mills being set up across the country.
Grandy said that she is satisfied that this is the “best of all worlds.”
President Obama issued a press release praising the plan and apologizing to our European allies for not having thought this up decades ago. “If more American children were aborted or warehoused by government agencies to reduce the burden on wymin, perhaps WWII would never have been fought and peace would reign in every corner of the earth,” Obama said.
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Babies Violate Labor Laws”
News Alert: Bald Eagles Arrested For Eating Endangered Species
-By Warner Todd Huston
Yesterday the State of California arrested several pairs of American Bald Eagles that researchers released into the wild near the Channel Islands. Authorities charged the birds with conspiracy to kill endangered island foxes and rare seabirds for purposes of eating them.
The state’s case was built on the research of Seth D. Newsome, a researcher with the department of zoology and physiology at the University of Wyoming, who determined that the Bald Eagles could begin eating the endangered animals should the availability of the bird’s regular fish-based diet change.
Environmentalists celebrated the arrests saying that if the Bald Eagles refused to abide by federal endangered species laws, then the birds have abdicated their own protected status.
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News Alert: Bald Eagles Arrested For Eating Endangered Species”
Breaking: Wikipedia to Update ‘Regeime’ Page
-By Matthew J. O’Connor
We have just learned from seasonably reliable sources of certain alleged reference material pending submission to Wikipedia concerning the newly discovered etymological distinction of the word, ‘Regime.’ The reference material was unearthed by John Podesta’s Center for American Progress. Clarion Advisory is pleased to be able to provide you with the following potential communication:
From The Desk of John . . . ‘Progress Ahead of our Time’
19 April 2010
To: Wikipedia
Re: New historical definition of ‘Regime’
Dear Jimmy,
It has been some time since our last communication. If I recall correctly, we last corresponded during President Clinton’s term concerning President Clinton’s recommendations for the word, ‘IS’ and how the word, ‘IS’ could be contextually adapted under numerous circumstances inside the legal realm to mean what the sayer post – facto would like it to mean relative to pending and potentially pending legal cases and affirmative defense strategies. Again, thanks for updating the page on what the meaning of ‘IS . . . IS.’
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Breaking: Wikipedia to Update ‘Regeime’ Page”
What Does Tea Party and Coffee Party Mean, Anyway?
-By Warner Todd Huston
All true Americans know what “Tea Party” means. It is “T”axed “E”nough “A”lready, we all know. But what does Coffee Party mean. Is there an acronym for the “Coffee Party”?
Well, of course there is. And here you go:
Communists
Operating
False
Front for
Economic
Entropy
Yep, that about says it. A false front used to try and destroy the economy. This thing IS run out of the Obama campaign, anyway, since it was created by Obama operative Annabel Park.
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What Does Tea Party and Coffee Party Mean, Anyway?”
Podcast: A Hollywood Scripting 101
Ever wondered how Hollywood arrives at the stories filmed there? Check out this podcast and hear the “basic outline” that script writers use to create their … uh… “entertainment.”
Breaking News: Guam Tips Over, Chinese Island On Other Side
Earlier in the week American Media outlets lambasted Georgia Representative Hank Johnson for his concern over the safety of the inhabitants of the U.S. Protectorate of Guam. Johnson feared that the Island would tip over if the U.S. Army sent too many troops to her shores.
Over Easter weekend, the U.S. Army sent one too many soldier to the Island causing Johnson’s most feared catastrophe to occur.
Guam did, indeed, tip over. But after the seismic activity settled it was discovered that a Chinese Island and its inhabitants was situated on the other side of Guam.
China is now asserting sovereignty and naming the Island East Taiwan. In a surprise visit, President Obama went to the Chinese leaders, bowed deeply, and promised to apologize for America’s evil actions.
In a statement, Representative Johnson said, “I warned you!”
I Was Married on April Fool’s Day (Almost)
-By Warner Todd Huston
(note: rarely do I burden the readers with personal anecdotes, but I think this one is mildly amusing…)
To show how women sometimes think about things a bit more clearly than men, were it not for my wife’s refusal, I’d have been married on April Fool’s Day, in 2000.
In 2000 my wife and I decided to run off to Tennessee and get re-married in a little vacation/weekend away ceremony. So, she told me to make the arrangements. It just happened to be the weekend of April 1 (Friday was March 31, Sat. April1).
And so, I called the various hotels, chapels and what have you and made the plans for our ceremony to happen on the Saturday of that weekend. Sensible, right? Travel on Friday, marriage on Saturday, a nice night out that night, and then we come home Sunday afternoon. Perfect timing, right?
After I was done I went to the wife and gave her the info all proud that I’d done my duty.
She looked at me, looked at the info, and said “I am NOT getting married on Saturday!”
I was utterly perplexed. What the hell her problem was I had no clue.
She looks at me squint eyed and said, “What date is Saturday?”
I said, “Uh… April 1st. So, what?”
She says, “I am NOT getting married on April Fool’s Day!”
I’m all, “Ohhhhhh, I get it now!” Like, Duh, right?
And so I had to call the places in Tennessee back up and change everything to Friday.
Now, as a guy I never once gave thought to the idea that getting married on April Fool’s Day was problematic. But, can you imagine what everyone would be saying for the next umpteen years about that date? For that matter, it might even be fodder for a fight at some later date, I’m sure you can see that.
Yep. She was right, but it never occurred to me. Saturday was just another day to me. She saw a bit more in it than I did.
Hollywood Scripting: A Primer
-By Warner Todd Huston
Some have wondered how Hollywood works. There is the romantic version where a writer of talent writes an outstanding, heartfelt script, a director of vision expounds upon that script and actors with intensity bring it to life. Like much about romance that romantic image of Hollywood is a myth.
No, what Hollywood does when it wants a “serious” movie or TV show (especially a TV show) is dust off its basic outline and fit new names and different locations to each product. Well, revealed for the first time, here are those basic guidelines:
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Hollywood Scripting: A Primer”
Charlie Chaplin is NEO in… The Matrix: 1905
And now for this entertainment interlude…
It’s all happened before… ya know?
‘New Hope’ For American Docs: Help Them Move Overseas, Won’t You?
-By Warner Todd Huston
The despair in the field of medicine over Obama’s government takeover of America’s once vibrant healthcare system can be overwhelming for America’s doctors. Many have said that if Obamacare is implemented, they’ll hang up their stethoscope and retire. The gloom is overpowering.
But WAIT! Help is on the way. A new effort is underway to help these poor doctors get themselves out from under the U.S. Government’s thumb, a new website has been started to keep Obama’s socialist overreach at bay. If you are an American doctor, help has arrived to help you uphold your hippocratic oath and still serve your American free-market, capitalist principles.
At PracticeAbroad.com, you can help an American doctor to get to freedom by sending him to a country that values his skills more than Obamabots do.
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‘New Hope’ For American Docs: Help Them Move Overseas, Won’t You?”
Mother’s Butt Caulker Gets Nailed
-By Warner Todd Huston
New Jersey officials said a quack “doctor” from the Dominican Republic was caught perpetrating what he was telling immigrant women was a surgical enhancement of their rear-ends this week.
The criminal was injecting household caulk into these women’s rear-ends, telling them that the procedure would make them more alluring to men so that they could get a mate and have many children.
Six women were hospitalized.
You may ask why I am reporting this story? Is it proof of a great failure of the Democratic Party? Is it an example of the end of our civilization? How about evidence of the further degradation of our society and economy? No to all of these.
This story is here merely to give me a chance to say, “Mother’s Butt Caulker Gets Nailed.”
I mean, we don’t want this story to slip through the cracks, you know? This quack doc is a rear and present danger. Talk about “junk in the trunk.” Let’s hope if this guy is released he doesn’t do any back sliding.
Thank you
That is all
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Mother’s Butt Caulker Gets Nailed”
If Dr. Seuss Looked at Obama, Oh the Things He’d See!
-By Ann “Babe” Huggett
In celebration of the National Association of Education’s yearly “Read Across America” project, which started Tuesday, March 2, First Lady Michelle Obama appeared at the Library of Congress and read to a select group of youngsters Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s story, The Cat In the Hat. Her choice was appropriate enough considering that Tuesday also marked the good doctor’s birthday, who would have been 106 if still alive.
The Cat In the Hat was written by Dr. Seuss, a.k.a. Theodor Seuss Geisel, in 1957 as a response to a challenge by the Life magazine writer, John Hershey, who specifically mentioned Geisel as an ideal illustrator for modern children’s books in a May 25, 1954 article titled “Why Do Students Bog Down on First R? A Local Committee Sheds Light on a National Problem: Reading”. Geisel’s publisher, Random House, asked him to write a new style of engaging children’s literature using a limited vocabulary of only 400 words, which the publisher’s estimated school children were learning at the time. Geisel cut the suggested list down to 223 and added 16 of his own.
Using the pseudonym of “Dr. Seuss”, Geisel’s The Cat In the Hat proved an instant hit and the story of the two rainy day bored young children first enjoying then panicking over the crazy, chaotic antics of a floppy red-and-white stripped hat wearing tuxedo Cat accompanied by his eagerly undisciplined partners-in-crime, Thing One and Thing Two still resonates with young readers 53 years later.
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If Dr. Seuss Looked at Obama, Oh the Things He’d See!”
This is Why We Beat The Soviets
Bad toupes, horrible lip synching, ugly suits, and no rhyme nor reason. Here is why the Soviets fell.
(I blame this on Tom Mnnis of Chicago News Bench. If he hadn’t alerted me to this bit of falderol, you would not be accosted with it. Go to Chicago News Bench and blame Tom!)
And Anudder thing… Charge that Whale With Murder!
-By Warner Todd Huston>
Some random observations…
- If animals are “just like people,” as the far left keeps telling us, should we charge that killer whale in Florida with murder?
- A “Professor” says that Globaloney deniers are “close-minded.” Idiot, the word coupling is CLOSED-minded, not close-minded. Grammar, Sir, Grammar! Of course, it could have been the idiots at NPR doing a bad transcription of the Prof’s comments, too. Wither way we have some bunch of idiots here.
- The Left is like a defective Toyota with its accelerator stuck in KILLKILLKILL mode.
- I am increasingly becoming afraid that the GOP is going to be fooled into a Romney 2012 candidacy! But WHICH Romeny will run…. or will we get another, new Romney just specially for 2012??
- Every time I write a story about bad journalism, I invariably get at least one comment that is confused enough to think that “Warner Todd Huston” is the journalist that muffed the story instead that it’s ME, the guy writing the story ABOUT the journalist that muffed the story! Reading comprehension is in short supply out there sometimes!
- Why do half-wit libs write me 50 paragraph emails telling me how much they hate me? Do they expect me to actually READ all that?
Thank you, that is all.
Tiger in the Tank
-By Warner Todd Huston
Tiger Woods went on TV today. He said the following: “blah, blah, blah, leave me alone, blah, blah, blah, stop following my wife and kids, blah, blah, blah, oh, yeah, I’m sorry.”
And now my official response to this story
**YAWN**!!
That is all. You may now go about your day.
Oh, wait, Joslyn James the porn star also tried to grab the spotlight after Tiger’s manufactured news conference. I don’t know what this slut was whining about, but one can see that “acting” isn’t necessary for porn stars, fer sure. James hit the airwaves with another slut of a kind in tow, Gloria Allred.
You’ll notice that I posted a picture of the porn star and not lawyer and media whore, Allred. Can ya guess why?
____________
“The only end of writing is to enable the reader better to enjoy life, or better to endure it.”
–Samuel Johnson
Warner Todd Huston is a Chicago based freelance writer. He has been writing opinion editorials and social criticism since early 2001 and before that he wrote articles on U.S. history for several small American magazines. His political columns are featured on many websites such as Andrew Breitbart’s BigGovernment.com, BigHollywood.com, and BigJournalism.com, as well as RightWingNews.com, RightPundits.com, CanadaFreePress.com, StoptheACLU.com, AmericanDaily.com, among many, many others. Mr. Huston is also endlessly amused that one of his articles formed the basis of an article in Germany’s Der Spiegel Magazine in 2008.
For a full bio, please CLICK HERE.
Obama’s New Name For Iraq War
-By Warner Todd Huston
The indispensible Jake Tapper of ABC News is reporting that the Obama Administration is about to rename the Iraq war from “Operation Iraqi Freedom” to “Operation New Dawn.”
Gates writes that by changing the name at the same time as the change of mission — the scheduled withdrawal of U.S. combat troops — the US is sending “a strong single that Operation IRAQI FREEDOM has ended and our forces are operating under a new mission.”
Sounds like some good reasoning.
But Mr. Tapper missed the other naming news. Obama will also announce this week that he is changing the theme of his administration from “Operation Hope-n-Change” to “Operation Red Dawn.”
Operation Red Dawn, the Obama memo will read, replaces the hope and change that previously served as Obama’s battle cry and will herald the new direction of American culture from red, white and blue to just plain red.
No word if Obama agrees with Rham Emanuel that the nation should be renamed the New CCCP.
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Obama’s New Name For Iraq War”
The Post-American Bandstand with Pat Boone
Mr. Prez, Ya just talk too much!
Exclusive Interview: Chief of Obama’s TelePrompter Advance Team
-By Warner Todd Huston
I was excited to be able to snag an interview with the head man — or rather woman — in President Obama’s TelePrompter crew, Ima Prizenteur. Her official title is Special Assistant to the President for Elocutionary Support but her crew is best known as the Spiel Team. It is Ima’s responsibility to set up the ubiquitous dual TelePrompters at every venue at which the president is to speak.
I spoke to her by phone from Washington D.C.
WTH: Hi Ima, great to talk to you.
Ima: Thanks, Warner.
WTH: So, what is it like being the one in charge of Obama’s voice?
Ima: It really is exciting. I never thought when I was going through prep school that I’d be flying all over the world working for the president of the United States.
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Exclusive Interview: Chief of Obama’s TelePrompter Advance Team”
Happy Palindrome Day
Well, we missed the date. It was 01/02/2010.
So what you ask? Well read it backwards. It reads the same backwards as forward.
Yeah… I know…. big deal. It is interesting, though, isn’t it? The next one will be 11/02/2011.
Is New 24 Co-Star Really Chicago’s Mancow Muller?
-By Warner Todd Huston
Wow, not only is WLS radio personality Mancow Muller hard at work on the radio in Chicago, but he’s also apparently working on the new season of Kiefer Sutherland’s 24!
Take a look…
To the left is radio guy Muller, to the right is what the TV show 24 claims is actor Anil Kapoor who is staring as Middle Eastern leader Omar Hassan.
Has anyone ever seen Muller and Kapoor in a room at the same time? Hmmmmm. HAVE they? Weeeelllll?
Hey Congress, You Vote Obamacare, We’ll Vote you OUTTA There!
Ray Stevens with another all American song.
Cuz Animals Are People Too, Ya Know?
-By Warner Todd Huston
I’ve always been amazed at liberals when it comes to their absurd penchant for acting as if animals are somehow just like people. This anthropomorphizing of the animal kingdom is fine if you are talking with kids, reading fairy tales, or creating entertainment, but when you are talking like adults about science or generally about animals there is no place for it. Animals are not people. It’s just that simple.
But apparently we can’t tell that to the left-wingers at NPR because on Dec. 22 on the Morning Edition program we got a pretty silly story about baboons and their “mystical moment” that beggers description.
The story is about a troop of 30 baboons in Kenya that was being observed by professor Barbara Smuts who was studying them for several months. As it happened, one day as Smuts was following the troop back to its sleeping area, the whole troops stopped dead in its tracks.
Here is how NPR described the incident:
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Cuz Animals Are People Too, Ya Know?”
Why This Conservative Wants To Be Like Al Gore
-By Warner Todd Huston
I have to admit it. I am jealous of former Vice President Al Gore. I want what he’s got, at least in a generalized way.
It isn’t that I envy him for having been vice president. The number two spot has traditionally been one not well regarded and only a few VPs have made the position an important one, if only in a fleeting way. Thomas Jefferson did some excellent work fashioning the procedure of the Senate while he was the veep, Nixon became an important part of Ike’s foreign policy team, and Dick Cheney became, well, Dick Cheney! But Al Gore was not in that class. He, like most other vps, was a seat warmer without much of import to his stint in the junior chair.
The office has been chided as “not worth a warm bucket of spit” (though I am fairly certain VP Garner said the “s” word and not spit), been called “the most insignificant office ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived” by John Adams, and at least one occupant of the office spawned such trenchant bits of philosophy as, “what this nation needs is a good 5-cent cigar.” (That last bit of philosophical legerdemain uttered by vp Thomas Marshal. In other words, the office has not been very consequential on its own merits.)
So, it isn’t Al’s rather pointless stint as VP that I admire. No it’s his almost universal acceptance as a man of great expertise because he once narrated a movie script. Not unlike how so many graying old TV news readers have been hailed as men of substance because they can read aloud with conviction, Al Gore has been hailed around the world because he can read and talk at the same time.
Brilliant!
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Why This Conservative Wants To Be Like Al Gore”
When Santa Met Jack Bauer
… and it wasn’t pretty
This Leftist Drivel is Why Journalism is Dying
-By Warner Todd Huston
Today I have read a piece of “journalism” by a freelance writer whose Slate article shows me why the profession has fallen on such hard times. The piece on fast food drive thru windows is not only pretentious but it is filled with enough fluff to stuff a mattress and leaves the impression that the writer thinks it all resembles wit. It simply amazes for its vacuous nature. And, worse, it doesn’t even pay off fulfilling the premise of its headline. In fact, it is so ridiculous for its assumptions and its presumption of surety that one wonders if the writer had ever even seen a fast food drive up window or met anyone that would use one before putting pen to paper.
Upon reading this self-satisfied piece of nonsense, my first guess was that this guy is a New York metrosexual that never met an honest to God drive thru window customer in his life. Naturally, it turns out our writer friend, Tom Vanderbilt, seems to fit right in with the pretentiousness of his namesake, the Vanderbilts. I don’t know that he is actually related to that famous upper crusty clan whose name he shares but a look at his bio causes one to suspect that I was right with my first impression. He’s written for such bastions of real America as The New York Times, Harvard Design Magazine, and Smithsonian Magazine. He is, of course, from New York City.
With that sort of pedigree we can most assuredly assume he speaks for all of America, and not just the nose-in-the-air set that looks down upon the rest of us in “fly over country,” right? Dream on.
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This Leftist Drivel is Why Journalism is Dying”
College Atheists Give Up Club: ‘What’s the Point?’
-By Warner Todd Huston
Denitown, Connecticut — Chip McKeown, president of the Atheist club at Connecticut’s College of Regional Accountant Practitioners (CRAP), has announced that the club will be disbanding at the close of this semester.
Professor Freewind Pulcinski (pictured) expressed his disappointment with the move. “It was, like, totally, you, know, juss… like bummed. Ya know, man?,” the professor told reporters on Monday.
The four members of the club all agreed to disband early last week. Said McKeown, “We kept getting together and asking each other what we were there to discuss. But every time the answer was the same: ‘Nothing.'” McKeown went on:
I mean, what’s the point of getting together not to believe? You know, we can do that back in our dorm rooms, right? Who needs rules and schedules, and meetings to talk about nothing? Like, what’s the point, ya know?”
Last year, 2nd year member Dawn Nada suggested that the club could get together to talk about what they would be doing if there was a God, but that seemed to close to accepting that there might be a God, so members voted that idea down.
“I was just trying to get past this whole problem of having nothing to talk about because we didn’t believe in anything,” Nada said Wednesday from her job at Starbucks.
The CRAP atheist club started two semesters ago after the CRAP anarchist club fell apart over disagreement on club rules. McKeown announced the exploratory phase of organizing a new club, the College Fatalists. An announcement was going to take place next week, but organizers are finding a lack of energy to attend organizing meetings. McKeown said that the executive council of the Fatalists club are having a hard time getting out of bed these days.
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College Atheists Give Up Club: ‘What’s the Point?’”
BushdiditBushdiditBushdidit
On Friday, Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner blamed the Bush Administration for the country’s woes…. again.
Oh, you can’t blame Tim “I Don’t Pay taxes” Geithner for this reflexive fall-back position of blaming all his failures on Bush. After all, this narrative comes from the top. It’s an Obama mainstay, of course. But contrary to those who say Obama is ignorant of history, I’d say he has learned from history’s blamers and obfuscators…
Oak Park’s New Logo, the Long and Short of it
-By Warner Todd Huston
Oak Park, Illinois has created a new logo to help sell the city for tourism. The new logo is coupled with a new slogan: “Oak Park: Step Out of Line.”
The town is very excited about its new logo. It has stiffened the citizen’s resolve to sell their town as a tourist spot….
OK, enough with the build up. The logo has spawned some, shall we say, controversy? The only way to start the conversation off right is to see it first. So, here we go…
Yeah. Now you DO know what that looks like, right?
It’s sort of tubular. Sort of Blunt. Sort of… phallic. Right?
Right.
And therein lies the controversy.
Oak Park officials, though, are saying that they are “sticking with” the new logo.
Your government at work. A bunch of Richard Craniums, for sure.
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Oak Park’s New Logo, the Long and Short of it”