HORRORS! AP Says Bad Economy Makes Us Ugly!

-By Warner Todd Huston

It’s getting close to Halloween, so I hope this story doesn’t scare you too much. But the Associated Press has discovered that this bad economy is making us ugly. That’s right, ugly. Because of this downturn people just cannot afford to go to their friendly neighborhood plastic surgeon for those nips and tucks any more. So it is the AP’s sad duty to inform us that “As economy sags, faces do too, cosmetic docs say.” It’s a horrible, horrible world that we now are cursed to live in if we can’t afford our Botox and tummy tucks! Now, they are serious with this so quit your laughing this instant.

The economy isn’t the only thing that’s sagging — so are faces, breasts and bellies as would-be cosmetic surgery patients increasingly opt against costly nips and tucks because of tough financial times.

You know, I was complaining to my Mommy yesterday that I didn’t want my liposuction and she told me to do it anyway because kids in China could barely afford an eyelift these days. I know I should be grateful for what I have, though. Some people DO have it worse, ya know?

But, wait, you ask… what basis does the AP use to report this important “story”? They got it from someone named Anne Ecdotal, I think.

Anecdotal reports and a recent unscientific survey from an industry trade group suggest many cosmetic surgeons have been seeing a drop-off in costly operations, some by as much as 30 percent or more.

The AP then regales us on the gut wrenching story of one Diane Lawyer — intrepid software company manager by day and apparent compulsive surgery addict by predilection — who claims she “just can’t justify” her plastic surgery regime any more.

Oh the humanities.

This poor, poor put upon woman has even had to start shopping at a “discount grocery store” because the world is so mean to her.

But a gem of an axiom, the apple of aphorisms, the most sensational of sayings was uttered by the AP’s pal in Orlando, David Ritter. He presented us with some words to live by that we all must have forever at the tips of our tongues, words that we should pass down through the ages. Ben Franklin, you and Poor Richard can eat your hearts out with this one:

“I always say it’s better to look good than to feel good, sometimes,” Ritter said.

I am verklempt. No truer words were ever spoken by man nor beast.

I shake my fist angrily at this rotten Bush economy and thank the AP for these important, vital reports.


Warner Todd Huston is a Chicago based freelance writer, has been writing opinion editorials and social criticism since early 2001 and is featured on many websites such as newsbusters.org, townhall.com, New Media Journal, Men’s News Daily and the New Media Alliance among many, many others. Additionally, he has been a frequent guest on talk-radio programs to discuss his opinion editorials and current events. He has also written for several history magazines and appears in the new book “Americans on Politics, Policy and Pop Culture” which can be purchased on amazon.com. He is also the owner and operator of publiusforum.com. Feel free to contact him with any comments or questions : EMAIL Warner Todd Huston

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