The Congress Whisperer

-By Lee Culpepper

When good Americans go bad, there’s one man who is their best friend: General David Petraeus. In fact, no congressman is too much for him to handle — he rehabilitates mentally unstable liberals; he leads brave military people. He is the Congress Whisperer.

Like dog-behavior expert Caesar Milan from the hit series The Dog Whisperer – the man who dazzles viewers with his ability to establish pack leadership over mentally unbalanced dogs — Gen. Petraeus exercised calm and assertive leadership to rein in and to expose mentally unbalanced Democrats during last week’s congressional hearings.

Before Patraeus could begin rehabilitating unstable Democrats, however, the troop-supporting Democrats demonstrated exactly how deranged they are. The first week of September, Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., proclaimed that American troops had nothing to do with the progress in Iraq.

Schumer said, “Let me be clear; the violence in Anbar has gone down despite the surge, not because of the surge. The inability of American soldiers to protect these tribes from al-Qaida said to these tribes, ‘We have to fight al-Qaida ourselves.’ It wasn’t that the surge brought peace here.”

With that highly patriotic quote, Schumer offered a glimpse of the challenge that lay waiting to maul The Congress Whisperer. And despite California Congressman Tom Lantos’s impudent accusation that Petraeus was before the House Foreign Affairs Committee to merely parrot President Bush’s positive war message, The Congress Whisperer established his calm-assertive energy among those unbalanced representatives by clarifying immediately — in his naturally composed and convincing temperament — that the testimony he would deliver would be his own.

With only a paltry 26% of the entire Congress having any military experience, the plethora of Democrats devoid of military skill exhibited their psychoses consistently — yapping out political diatribes against the administration and offering military counsel to a four star general. These patriots supported the troops by snarling insolent remarks about the war’s commanding general – the man successfully leading his troops in combat right now. These wannabe-military advisers dismissed Gen. Patraeus before he ever spoke. Rarely did they engage him with meaningful questions. Nonetheless, Patraeus remained unfazed by their contempt. He displayed proven leadership and military expertise throughout the hearings. He also calmly put each naïve pseudo-commander in his or her place when given his opportunity to respond.

However, most Democrats were like Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., and Senator Barbara Boxer, D-CA. They were there simply to hear themselves bark. They had no desire to ascertain anything important from Petraeus’s report. Liberals know that Patraeus’s success unearths their failure, as they have done everything in their power to undermine this war by offering terrorists hope and promising them our military calendar.

“Fearful-aggressive” Democrats like Sen. Hillary Clinton lunged at Patraeus with implications of lying, but the general calmly stood his ground. He never flinched from the Democrats’ snapping jaws or encouraged their political neuroses. Instead, he confidently delivered his report and nobly ignored insult after insult. Patraeus dealt with facts as he had come to do. He set the ill-mannered Democrats straight and left them explaining themselves to their masters – the American public.

Too bad Patraeus can’t require the most severely unbalanced congressmen and senators to attend intensive rehabilitation. For instance, when The Dog Whisperer encounters a particularly desperate case, he temporarily removes the dysfunctional animal from its environment and introduces the dog into his “mentally-balanced pack” at his dog rehabilitation center. Perhaps temporarily awarding these congressmen and senators the rank of private first class in the United States Marine Corps would be an excellent place to start. They could then be assigned to an infantry platoon in Iraq.
Spending a few months in the company of some well-adjusted Devil Dogs might very well remedy these mentally unbalanced liberals. Then their campaign spokesmen might even stop encouraging terrorists with asinine press releases like the following: “Sen. Obama’s question is not about Gen. Petraeus’s patriotism. It’s about his logic;” “Senator Clinton is going to keep her focus where it should be, on ending the war;” and “John Edwards believes Congress should stand firm and hold President Bush responsible for changing course with a simple and strong message –- no timetable, no funding, no excuses.”
Theses Democrats — like mentally unstable dogs — would benefit greatly from Caesar’s mantra of rules, boundaries, and limitations. Thanks to their encounter with Gen. Patraeus, they have at least been schooled in honor, courage, and commitment. Now, if they could simply acquire a modicum of discipline to practice those qualities with consistency, we might very well unite America one congressman at a time.
Lee Culpepper is a Marine turned high school English teacher. Currently, he is writing his first book, Alone and Unafraid: One Marine’s Counterattack Inside the Walls of Public Education. Lee is also a contributing columnist for The North Carolina Conservative, The HinzSight Report, and The Publius’ Forum. An increasing number of publications, including The Conservative Voice and, have run his recent articles, as well.

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