-By Lee Culpepper
Facing despair, too many Americans have grown cynical of the quagmire of partisan politics inside the Beltway. The endless arguments over illegal immigration, prison capacity, stem cell research, abortion, healthcare, unemployment, public education, and much more cause every conscientious American to yearn for solutions. To this point, however, our quibbling politicians succeed only at letting us down. They scurry shamelessly to serve their egocentric agendas versus honoring their oaths to serve the average American like you and me.
Every day we confront the consequences of politicians’ failures. The deplorable conditions of indigent citizens and “non-documented” citizens undoubtedly stir sorrow in the most pitiless and greedy among us. The senseless crimes committed by misunderstood gang-bangers and persecuted drug addicts sometimes rouse a modicum of anger even in exemplary pacifists like Cindy Sheehan. Moreover, the outrageous costs and abuses of the world’s finest healthcare system have finally been exposed, thanks to an American symbol of courage — Michael Moore — and his riveting documentary Sicko (which regrettably I have not seen). Regardless, with our advancement in medical science and our laws to protect abortion, impeding the progress of stem-cell research makes absolutely no sense today.
Granted, unemployment is incredibly low, but it still exists. We must create better paying jobs for the Americans who are unwilling to work, at least at the low-paying jobs non-American workers eagerly accept. Furthermore, creating new jobs will generate better opportunities for otherwise law-abiding “non-documented citizens,” too.
Public education also continues its dismal performance despite our pouring more money into the system than ever before. Nevertheless, leading politicians, teacher union leaders, and self-proclaimed education experts all bemoan that we need to spend even more money.
Washington’s problems lie in the complexity of the solutions politicians propose. I have spent considerable time formulating a simplistic but effective strategy to combat all of these issues through one initiative. I have a friend from a communist Third World nation who assures me similar programs are working for his country. Through much musing, I have surmised that competition in our society could perfect a similar practice while remedying many of our society’s afflictions.
Our politicians simply need to remove the tolls and barriers that currently encumber our implementing what I’ve entitled The Comprehensive-Universal-Modern-American Solution. My bipartisan plan has something for all of us.
First, we begin by recruiting illegal immigrants willing to harvest some of their body parts for medical research. Unlike the communist approach, our program will be strictly voluntary. The one exception will be for violent criminals, of course. I realize my solution seems unorthodox; however, we simply need to recover from being pistol-whipped relentlessly over the last several decades by political correctness. Then again, I’m convinced even the PC extremists will find this solution rather enticing.
The legalization of this revolutionary industry will surely strike a surge in America’s Gross Domestic Product. The distribution channel will create a plethora of new jobs. It will also improve the already world’s-finest-healthcare system — but more importantly — it will drive down healthcare prices as participation increases. It’s basic economics: supply and demand. Another positive outcome will be that the struggling hospitals along our borders (which provide much of the free healthcare to illegal immigrants) will probably benefit the most financially. They will quickly become the wholesale suppliers of this new industry. It’s exactly the shot in the arm these hospitals need.
Imagine the possibilities. How much would a wealthy, blind American be willing to pay for a perfectly good eyeball? Diabetes? No problem — here’s a pancreas, but it’ll cost you. Need a liver? Let’s talk.
No American will want to send home an illegal immigrant who is willing to donate a healthy kidney to an American in need. Sacrifices like that epitomize patriotism.
My plan is not restricted to illegal immigrants by any means. As the industry grows, the economic incentive to market newborn organs just might spur welfare, middle-class, and upper-class women alike not to consider abortions. Sure an operation is a lot for a little tike to endure, but the hardship of such a surgery will be much less traumatic on the infant than any abortion would be. And at $250,000 for a kidney, that’s a lot of cash for anyone to pass up. With the right financial incentive, unwanted pregnancies will quickly become an oxymoron.
Our education system will blossom, too. Getting Grandma to part with a lung will certainly provide ample profit to send Junior to private school. Eventually, much less money will be spent on public schools because no one will attend them.
The benefits will never stop either. With all the spare parts that will eventually be lying around, embryonic-stem-cell research will become a thing of the past.
To resolve prison overcrowding, we will easily create more space by harvesting the vital organs from death-row inmates. Talk about a common sense approach. These individuals will truly do something to pay for their crimes. They will no longer forcefully siphon money from taxpayers keeping them alive. For the criminals who join the program with high cholesterol or weight issues, well, we will simply put them on a rigorous workout and diet schedule until they’re healthy again, and then it’s off to see the surgeon!
For the illegal immigrants who commit additional crimes once they’re here, we will finance their deportations by allowing them to choose the body part they want to donate to a needy American. It’s a win-win situation.
Finally, just consider all the tax revenue this will create. Name a politician who won’t love that.
I’m sure Republicans and Democrats will clearly see the significant amount of common ground my solution offers both parties. It’s time to come together, America, so contact your representatives today!
____________________
Lee Culpepper is a Marine turned high school English teacher. Currently, he is writing his first book, Alone and Unafraid: One Marine’s Counterattack Inside the Walls of Public Education. Lee is also a contributing columnist for The North Carolina Conservative, The HinzSight Report, and The Publius’ Forum. An increasing number of publications, including The Conservative Voice and MichNews.com, have run his recent articles, as well.
Lee can be reached at drcoolpepper@yahoo.com.
Visit Lee’s blog at http://wlculpepper.townhall.com/