Warren Lee Culpepper
Linking Fragile Toilet Paper to Teaching Teenage Girls by Lee Culpepper
With the alarming percentage of ill-advised marriages and their subsequent breakups, I bet you’re asking yourself a reasonable question: “What can male teachers, Marine Corps leadership principles, and high school English classes do to help teenage girls avoid bad relationships and rash decisions to marry in the future? Okay, maybe you’re not, but you should be.
Since I have experience in all those worlds, I have some suggestions. I’ll begin with a few notes concerning fathers. Good fathers teach their daughters how men should treat and respect women. A daughter should also learn from her father about the purity of fatherly love – the love with no selfish expectations concerning her ambitions, her dreams, her looks, or even her understanding of how much he loves her. Good fathers protect their daughters from bad boys who grow up to be bad men. A good father also teaches his daughter how to deal with such jerks on her own.
However, with reality being that 30% of fathers do not live in the same household as their biological children, this is where male teachers, Marine leadership principles, and high school English classes can help. Each of these variables can also help repair some damage derelict fathers inflict on less fortunate daughters. As teacher-student scandals plague the news, teachers must remove any doubt regarding the nature of their relationship with students. It is not a friendship. That has to be clear. On the other hand, leadership in a classroom involves knowing students and looking after their welfare. This is one reason teachers should study leadership principles similarly to how military officers do.
For instance, I discouraged all my students from wanting to think of me as their friend as they got to know me. Sometimes I just had to be blunt. I was their teacher, never their friend. As a leader, I had an obligation to help them, to care about them, to teach them, and to encourage them to become productive adults. But I also had an obligation not to be their friend. Clouding this distinction and trust is called fraternizing in the Corps, but I just call it unhealthy when it pertains to teachers and students. I also think it’s too common today. Good leaders are often friendly, but they also skillfully avoid obscuring the authoritative line between leadership and friendship.
For girls, teenage crushes sometimes put male teachers in the awkward position of discouraging these goofy feelings — a fragile task to execute. Crushes can lead to provocative dress, which was a real issue at my school in California. I encouraged body modesty by keeping my classroom arctic, explaining cheerfully: “No one wants to look at anyone else’s nastiness. Wear more clothes if you’re freezing. If you don’t think you’re nasty, that’s you’re opinion. But I believe all teenagers are nasty.” My old- tattered-frumpy sweatshirts lay primed to insulate students who failed to layer on their own. Enforcing our school dress code was challenging with 4,000 students running around, so I enforced it with climate control.
Additionally as a policy, I seldom hugged girls. I sometimes had to tell them, again with lighthearted sarcasm, “Don’t touch me. You guys are creepy. Leave me alone. My wife is the only girl allowed to hug me.” They caught my drift. Two notes articulate its gist: “Mr. Culpepper, I know you don’t like hugs from chicks, or else I would definitely give you a big one…’cause it’s the least I could do to say thanks. Jenn.” The other student (ironically an excessive talker) wrote more concisely: “Even though you told me to ‘shut my face,’ I still think you’re cool! Sally.” While I frequently sounded harsh, my students knew when my austerity was serious. We understood each other.
Oddly, teenage girls have developed an unhealthy belief that hugging their male teachers is appropriate — sometime between when I was in school and now. Regrettably, some teachers complicate the problem. It’s a situation teachers should generally discourage. The issue emphasizes a teacher’s need to know students, as knowing them guides individual interaction. An appropriate pat on the back can motivate a student’s desire to improve, but the same innocent pat on a troubled student is more like an IED waiting to wreak havoc. Setting appropriate examples concerning interacting with an authority is central to healthy development. But arbitrary hugs from teachers retard this development.
Ironically a few nights ago, a female former student from California text messaged me. My wife and I were watching television on a Saturday evening when my phone rang. I clicked on the note. My wife curiously asked who was calling, as it was close to 11:00 PM. It was Erica from California.
Erica’s text read, “I’m gonna’ need your support because I’m not getting it at home.” This wasn’t a message about crushes or hugs. My wife suggested I write about Erica’s story. It’s actually refreshing from the recent stream of student-teacher scandals that normally result from a late night text message — although it was just 8:00 PM in California. Erica, like many of my former students, still occasionally contacts me. My embarrassing email address is easy to remember. Many students also held on to my phone numbers, and I’m actually honored that they still keep in touch.
I taught Erica three years ago in junior English. I had stayed in California to complete the semester, as I didn’t want to abandon my students mid-stream. But staying meant I delayed joining my wife in Texas. My wife’s promotion two months earlier required us to move mid-year. When we reached the semester’s final week, Erica’s class gave me a shirt on which they had written notes regarding our semester together. Since Erica is a quiet girl, other students had to tell me earlier that my manic teaching style intimidated her. So, when I read her note, its power humbled me. I fought unsuccessfully to stop the tears clouding my eyes. Erica had written: “I’m going to miss you. You taught me more than my dad ever has.”
Erica, like many kids today, comes from a broken home. Her father has struggled with drugs and her mother uses her now twenty-year-old daughter for emotional support. Currently Erica works at pet shop to pay for community college (not certain what really interests her). She’s recovering from her poor decision to have dated a selfish, immature, and older boy; plus she’s coping with her difficult family situation.
As far as Erica’s ex-boyfriend, I reminded her about the lessons from our class, which Marine leadership principles had fueled – values like self-discipline, knowing ourselves and seeking self-improvement. I also reminded her of our primary focus: using logic not feelings to support our decisions. The literature we studied leant itself to this lesson, and Erica told me the other day that she’s now beginning to understand why “[I] went off on that stuff so much in class.” My students witnessed the consequences of poor decisions in stories like The Scarlet Letter, The Crucible, The Great Gatsby, and Huck Finn – where feelings often displaced logic and caused the characters conflicts.
Today, Erica has decided to enter the Air Force this summer. Her mother disapproves of Erica’s decision, but Erica is excited and nervous at the same time. Her mother was primarily unhappy after her own boyfriend dumped her — explaining he was married. But now her mother and the boyfriend — who is still married — are back together. Apparently, Erica’s mom is less critical now. Yes, her family situation saddens me, but I try only to help if Erica asks me to. I often remind her – “no excuses.”
I’ve encouraged her to not wait until the summer to leave. I told her to go and to take control of her life right now. She asked me if I was scared when I joined the Marines. I told her we’re all a little afraid when we make big decisions, but that’s what growing up is all about. Then I reminded her about logic and feelings, and to stay ever vigilant as she makes future judgments about the men who will enter her life. Right now, I’m just hoping I’ve prepared my student for more tough decisions. I also hope she’s more logical than fifty percent of the girls and boys who rush into marriage today. Now, I’ll dry my eyes with that fragile toilet paper – Marines don’t use tissues. Semper Fi, Erica.
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Warren Lee Culpepper is currently writing his first book, Alone and Unafraid: One Marine’s Counterattack Inside the Walls of Public Education. Additionally, he is a contributing columnist for The Publius’ Forum, The North Carolina Conservative, and The Hinzsight Report.
A 1991 graduate of Virginia Tech, Culpepper majored in both English and Communication. He was also a varsity wrestler. He attended the United States Marine Corps Officer Candidates School in Quantico, Virginia, and received his commission in 1993. He served four years on active duty before settling in southern California to begin his teaching career. He taught high school English in both California and Texas. He recently moved to eastern North Carolina with his wife, Heather, and their bulldog, Shrek.
Lee can be reached at drcoolpepper@yahoo.com.
Visit Lee’s blog at http://wlculpepper.townhall.com/