Revision of My Announcement for the Presidency

By Vince Johnson


In last weeks REALITY FACTOR, I indicated I would announce my candidacy for President of the United States sometime in May 2007. After considerable inner deliberation, I am having second thoughts.

As soon as I announced that I would “announce” in May 2007, people started asking questions. One of the first reveals the problem: “Who would I appoint as Secretary of the Treasury?” I had planned to appoint Donald Trump. But when I realized this idea was based on my secret desire to fire him, I began to think it might be wise to re-consider. Maybe Bill Gates would make a good choice. If we ran a little short on cash, he could bail us out.

Then somebody asked me who I would pick as a running mate? This stopped me cold. No matter who I picked, it would make half the electorate mad. If he were a Liberal, all the Conservatives would get upset. If it were a Conservative, all the Liberals would get upset. If he were an Independent, all the Liberals and all the Conservatives would get all riled up in a rare moment of unified uproar. If it were a man, most of the women would be insulted. If it were a woman, most of the men would be insulted.

No matter who runs for President and Vice-President, the slings and arrows will be ready and waiting for both of them. This is reality. This is the new America. Half of us despise what the other half admires. Half of us have contempt for what the other half finds commendable.

Perhaps a robot for a running mate? Impossible! The nation would be divided over which company would design and built it. Would it be IBM? Apple? HP? Boeing? Sony? Toshiba? Maybe a consortium of institutions approved by Congress. Then of course, we would have some sort of trial in the Supreme Quart regarding whether or not a robot running mate is in violation of the Constitution. I have asked the ACLU to review this question, but they have not responded yet. Oh, hum!

Maybe I should just go ahead and run for President. It could be a diversion for all those folks who are tired of all the billions spent on glitzy political pomp and splendor. Maybe it is time to recognize reality. Our elections are becoming a time of loony confusion rather than logical contemplation. If I should run, at least there would be a decent chance that a substantial number of Americans would finally recognize that our electoral process has drifted far beyond what many have defined as a tragic joke.

All I’d have to do is announce plans to have a Cabinet that would make a Prime Time News Anchor look skyward and choke. Just imagine Tom Brokaw coming out of retirement to announce my choice of Don Rickles as Secretary of State! Or Katy Curic trying to keep a straight face while announcing that Ladanian Tomlinson would be my “running” mate! Well, he is one heck of a great runner! Hey! I wonder how O’Reilly would handle it if I asked Mike Tyson to be Secretary of Defense.

Eventually, some commentator might compare my ridiculous appointments with those carefully considered and “politically correct” appointments made in the past. You know what I’m talking about. Those appointments made before our National Debt Ceiling was increased to $9 Trillion and we were pulled into an entangled war that cannot be won and nobody can understand.

To run or not to run, that is the question. As Shakespeare’s words proclaimed: “Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.”

Ah yes! Which serves our nation best? Suffering silently under the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune? Or looking beyond it all in search of wisdom hiding in those places where smiles are born?

To be or not to be is not the question. It is the choice. Which choice will you make?

Copyright Publius Forum 2001