-By Vince Johnson
I had to pay thirty-nine cents “Postage Due” in order to get it. Here it is, word for word:
Dear Vince:
If you tell the world the whole truth about me, you will have a scoop like the New York Times and the Washington Post dream about. My name is Ebenezer Scrooge and most people think I’m a fictional character in a Christmas story dreamed up by Charles Dickens back in 1843. According to the story, I was a miserly, penny pinching grump. That part is true. It is also true that I was mean and stingy with my employee, Bob Cratchit, who had a crippled son named Tiny Tim.
For some strange reason, Mr. Dickens decided that I changed from my natural mean spirited ways into a kindly and benevolent soul. This transformation supposedly happened when the ghost of Jacob Marley appeared in one of my dreams. Jacob was my partner who died in 1836. He was just as miserly as me and according to the story he came back to warn me to change my ways or suffer greatly in the afterlife.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m still as stingy as I ever was and I can prove it by telling you the undeniable facts. According to the story, I gave Cratchit a raise in pay along with a Christmas turkey and some toys for Tiny Tim. That part is true, but I did not become a good and kindly person. I only appeared to be good and kindly. I never changed. I’m as mean as ever and that’s that.
Now here’s the scoop. One day when I was chatting with Nostradamus, I discovered how to buy toys for Tiny Tim, give Bob Cratchit a raise in pay and buy the family a Christmas turkey and do all of this in a way that would never cost me a single penny! You know who Nostradamus is. He’s the most famous prophet that ever lived. He could predict the future hundreds of years ahead. He mentioned how New World politicians in the 20th Century found a way to give away millions and billions of dollars and get generous salaries for doing it!
He told me how these politicians would buy all kinds of things for the people. How they would give themselves raises, loan money to foreign nations, help the oppressed all over the globe fight their wars, and throw money in all directions when there was a hurricane or some other sort of natural disaster. It didn’t matter that the people couldn’t afford it. All the politicians had to do was go to the bank and borrow it!
When the banks wanted to know who would make the payments, the politicians just smiled and said “The next generation of course. We are doing all of this for them. It is only fair that they be the ones to pay for it!” What a wonderful idea. So simple. So appealing.
I giggled all the way to the bank.
The Loan Officer wanted to know why I wanted the money. “To buy a Christmas turkey for the Cratchits, and buy toys for Tiny Tim, and give Bob a raise.”
They thought this was wonderful. Then the Loan Officer asked me who would be making the payments. “That’s no problem. I can’t afford any of this, but Tiny Tim and all the other kids of his generation will make the payments when they grow up.”
Now you know the truth. The kids will pay for their toys later in life. They will also pay for their turkey and the raise I gave their father. This surely proves that I’m still just as greedy and mean as I ever was, and this is the way it is no matter what Charles Dickens wrote.
Bah Humbug! Can you hear me now? BAH HUMBUG!
Ebenezer Scrooge.
If I ever run into Nostradamus I think I’ll ask him what happened to all the politicians when the kids discovered they could not find a way to make the payments.
____________
Vince Johnson welcomes comments. Please send them to,Vince Johnson(vjadtrak@wvi.com)
See Vince in the new book Americans on Politics. Policy, and Pop-Culture.
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